Where? How? Why?

As much as I might want it otherwise, I am lost. I have been lost for over three months now. It might be longer, I can’t be sure. I look around for the familiar, the comfortable, and cannot find them. The only stability that remains is Ama Shash and even she is feeling the stress of our changed life. Some important things in our lives have gone missing. No matter how we search, they are nowhere to be found.

We have both lost parts of our Spirit. I’m pretty sure I know why. We moved here in a haze of delusion. The reasons we moved were, in our minds, good and strong. Turns out they were merely hopes upon which we put too much faith. The plans we had were built of sticks instead of bricks. It seems there are people on the east coast that would be very happy if we returned. Truth be told, if it were possible to go back to the life we had there, we would be sorely tempted to do so.

Our connections to who we had become were stronger. Those connections have all but disappeared here. It was easy to connect there. We were surrounded by easily discovered “special” places. Here, we are surrounded by asphalt and concrete and “civilization.” Sure, we’ve found a couple of spots. One is in a California State Recreation Area, which is regularly overrun by apparently uncaring and unconnected people. The disrespect with which these people treat the land and the water is palpable and distasteful. Another is near the end of the world in Kings Canyon National Park. During summer, similar people inhabit the campsites. Even so, it’s possible to walk for five minutes and escape their influence.

It was during one such walk last month that I found myself at peace. It wasn’t the same kind of peace I experienced in Rhode Island, but it came close. Once all the schools are back in session, I think it may be more likely. Sequoia National Park has the same potential. We have the equipment for both of us to go camping for any of her three day off respites. I also have the equipment to do the same by myself. I keep telling myself I need to do it, but I don’t want to leave her alone here. Today was a good example of why.

Since moving here, her car has been broken into, my car has been broken into twice, and this morning, we found the garage door open. It seems a pair of heavy pliers are enough muscle open the doorknob on the apartment side of the garage. Here’s the crazy part. Only my belt sander and drill motor were taken. The cabinet was rummaged but nothing removed. The table saw, scroll saw, drill press and grinder remained. Tomorrow I’ll look into the mandatory renter’s insurance that is part of our lease to see what my options are. In the meantime, I’ve purchased a lockset with a dead bolt. I can’t install the dead bolt because my drill is gone.

Temperatures in the summer here run in the upper 90s to low 100s for about four months. Humidity stays low making it almost bearable. After 8 years in Rhode Island, neither of us will complain on that issue. However, without air conditioning in either car, any travel is extremely uncomfortable. When I ride my bike, I try to leave no later than 8am. I guess my O.L.D. keeps me from riding in the heat like I did in Texas. I still cannot fathom how I pulled that miracle, considering it would be over 100 with humidity at or above 50%. If I want to work in the garage at all, the same conditions apply. I must get out there before the sun rises and starts baking the south wall of the garage.

Yes, I’m complaining. Yes, I’m miserable. Ama is miserable, too. She said to me the other day that she made a mistake taking this job. I reminded her that it was not her decision alone. We agreed. We try very hard to not do anything upon which we do not agree. I know, how weird are we, the couple that talks and agrees. So maybe we’re unique. Well, a little. I know of at least one other couple that is very similar to us. I’m just finding it harder and harder to maintain the “It is what it is” attitude, or to be thankful for the trials and tribulations we endure. Perhaps part of the reason is that I can no longer reach out my Spirit to touch Nature’s Spirits all around me. Lately it seems the only spirits around here are either criminals who want our “stuff” or coworkers (hers) who seem to leave their brains in the parking lot.

And yes, I’m back on the hunt for a job. I just don’t see myself as the Program Director for KinderCare.

  • I wish it were happier here for you. 🙁 I’m also sorry that we haven’t been as in touch as we should be. We’re trying to fix that.

    I love you Dad. My heart aches for the pain that you have. Just don’t know how or if I can help.

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